This has been a bit of a trying time for me lately. I don't really even know how to describe it. I feel really stupid typing this but I guess I'm just unhappy. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. I have a husband I am in love with, the sweetest son ever, and a spirited little girl and I would not trade all that for anything. We are living comfortably and aren't normally terribly stressed out. Everyone is healthy, safe, and getting along. I do appreciate these things and feel blessed to be able to say I live such a great life. But right now, even though I should be, I'm just not happy... not the way I feel like I should be. I asked Brett what was wrong with me and then he asked if I was upset because I wasn't pregnant. My first reaction was, "no." But after thinking and thinking about the way I feel (or don't feel), I think that may have something to do with it. Or maybe I'm just hoping there is a reason and this isn't just "how I am."
I don't want to say this because it feels like saying it is going to make it harder and harder to come true, but I want a baby. I feel stupid for saying this because we were so sure we didn't want to have another one after Myelle. But at the same time I was never willing to use any type of birth control in case that was what was meant to happen. Now that I have had two losses since then, I really really want a baby. Damn it, I should HAVE a little baby in my arms right now. Or if not in my arms, I should be getting a big round belly and growing that baby, feeling it kick, and wondering if it will be a girl or a boy. I know, if it's meant to happen it will happen. (I agree with this statement, but it doesn't make it any easier.) And I know, I should be at peace with that. But I'M NOT! I want a baby. I want to see Myelle get to be an adorable big (little) sister. She LOVES babies right now. She carries her doll around all the time, takes care of it, and sings to it; and she is so proud when she gets to help Grandma babysit and take care of babies. I thought it would be perfect if each of our kids were 2.5 years apart, like clockwork. But they won't be. I know that's asking a lot, but it's how it was going to happen before a tiny little heart stopped beating. And it's sad, and it sucks. I'm glad I have what I do and I'm glad our two kids are fairly close in age. Why do I have to want more than that? It's hard to see other people with multiple kids close together and know that's not how it will be for our family. I look at my friends' adorable babies but don't desire to hold them because I want one of my own. I feel my heart drop each time I see a pregnancy announcement from the mom of a toddler. What if we can't have any more kids after we have come to the agreement that it would be fun to have a big family? Why do I have to be jealous? I know it's not good to be jealous but how can you change how you feel? I can tell myself I'm not jealous but it's a lie. It's not that I think bad about or wish anything negative upon people who have these things, it's just hard knowing that I don't. I am genuinely happy for them but sometimes it's hard to not be sad for myself at the same time. I'm sure it makes people feel guilty or uncomfortable but it is what it is... just like if it's meant to happen it will happen.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
More Trouble
I'm not sure how to start this post besides saying that this miscarriage did not end well. I had gone in to see the OB and we both agreed that I would miscarry naturally similar to the previous miscarriage. I knew about what to expect and things were already underway so off I went. I was to get my blood drawn every couple of weeks to make sure my hCG levels were going down to zero. I think after a couple of weeks I had stopped bleeding and my levels decreased from around 9047 to around 253 in mid-October and were down to 28 at the beginning of November. Each time the nurse called with my lab results, I told her that I had not passed any large tissue, or any tissue at all that I could tell. She talked to the doctor and said that was fine since my hCG levels continued to decrease.
I was supposed to get another lab draw mid-November but around that time I felt that I had ovulated. So I decided to wait until after I got my period to get another hCG number, hoping that my period would sort of flush everything out and I would be at zero afterward. Sure enough, at the beginning November I had a pretty much normal period. We were happy that things seemed to be over and I was planning on going in with my lab orders on the 17th. Unfortunately, things changed on the night of the 16th and I ended up in the hospital but for a different reason.
At the start of the week and a little bit over the weekend, I was feeling fine physically but a little hormonal. I thought it was odd since my period had just ended but Brett was having some health scares so I just chalked it up to being highly anxious about that. Things started making sense Tuesday evening (the 17th). I suddenly started getting some cramping around 7:30 that night while sitting on the couch. By 8:00 when we typically put the kids to bed, I had to tap out and have Brett do it because I had started bleeding and passing a little tissue and the cramping was fairly uncomfortable. Since I hadn't passed a large piece of tissue, I knew that this was finally when my miscarriage would come to and end after almost three months.
This cramping and bleeding got pretty intense in a hurry and I spent the rest of the evening in and out of the bathroom and in quite a bit of discomfort. I took a couple ibuprofen but they didn't help at all. Brett had gone to bed and I was unable to lie down because of the cramping. From midnight to 2:00 I was in enough pain where I was mostly pacing the floor trying to get through it. I kept thinking that the next cramp would be the last one and I would pass that tissue that was causing me so much pain. All this time I was losing quite a bit of blood, probably enough to fill a pad every 30 minutes although it was hard to tell because I was on the toilet half the time. I finally had to wake Brett up (reluctantly since he was going through his own health scare at the time) at 2:00, worried that something was wrong. He had me call the OB office out of Topeka. When the doctor called back, she said to go to the ER if I was filling more than a pad an hour or feeling dizzy/lightheaded or my heart was racing. I wasn't having any of those symptoms so I decided to try to make it through the night and plan to go to Topeka for a D&C in the morning. I knew the ER in Seneca wouldn't be able to do a whole lot for me just because of some intense cramping and heavy bleeding. They would just send me to Topeka the next morning (since I am high-risk, they won't treat me). I had taken a pain pill from my c-section around 2:00 and it had kicked in by 3:00 so after we got off the phone with the on-call doctor I tried to go to bed to get a little rest.
I thought I had slept a while, but looking back I probably only got a few minutes. I woke up around 3:30 after a cramp and got up to go to the bathroom. By the time I turned the bathroom light on I was feeling extremely lightheaded. I had lost too much blood. I called for Brett and sat down on the toilet. He came right in and about the time he reached me, I passed out. I came back pretty quickly so he went to get some water. By the time he came back I was trying to get up and passed out cold. He had tried to lift me but I was dead weight so he couldn't. He went and called my mom to come over and just said he had to take me to the hospital. Then he came back to throw me over his shoulder and get me to the ER. I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and he was telling me I was foaming from the mouth. He helped me to the kitchen and as he was slipping on his shoes I felt myself starting to faint again. I told him we needed to go now and couldn't wait for my mom to get there. When we got to the garage, the frigid air kept me awake until we got to the hospital. They wheeled me in and started and IV. Slowly I started feeling better and after an hour or so (by around 5:30) the cramping and bleeding slowed down.
We were able to leave at 7:00 and were told to come back at 8:00 for a sonogram so they could see what was still there. Sure enough, there was a large round mass of tissue in my left uterus. The right looked empty and I assume the period I had was from that side. We went back home and waited for a call from Topeka on what time to come for the D&C. They called around 9:30 or 10:00 and told us to head right down and be there by around 11:30. We waited for quite a while at the surgery center waiting for them to squeeze us in. The whole day I was very out of it and extremely tired. If my head could rest on something I was able to halfway fall asleep. The doctor told Brett he took out tissue the size of a ping pong ball. I was under anesthesia which did not help my lethargy in the upcoming days. I was sent home with a $270 prescription that Brett believes was supposed to make sure the heavy bleeding didn't start back up. It worked. Ever since I have had some light bleeding and clotting but not a lot and minimal if any discomfort.
It was an emotional and exhausting couple of weeks for us. Brett calculated that I was up for 39 hours straight except for a couple very short naps. Myelle had a fever and cough the whole time and I ended up having to take her to the doctor the very next day after my D&C and she had an ear infection. As I mentioned, Brett was also having some health issues so we were worried and attending various doctors for him as well. Besides Myelle's birthday and Christmas it's not a December that I would like to remember.
The next question is where do we go from here? This was a very traumatic experience for Brett and as it was happening he was adamant that we not try again. I didn't blame him, I don't know how well I would have held it together knowing that my spouse could literally die in my arms from this (luckily it wasn't that severe and I didn't even need a blood transfusion, but when I was passing out we didn't know how bad it was). Now that things have calmed down we have decided that depending on what the doctor feels is safe, we would like to keep trying but we will be sure to have a D&C done right away if we miscarry again. Although realistically it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us, we have really embraced the idea of having a larger family. The fact that I have even been able to get pregnant without fertility treatment is amazing to us. It's unfortunate that these miscarriages seem to keep occurring. We hope that it's just "bad luck" as our OB says, but it does seem like more than that. So for now, we will talk it through with the doctor and determine the best path to walk down. After this crazy month, we have decided to hold off until we have an adult vacation in May to get some R&R and time for the two of us.
Monday, September 29, 2014
As Expected...
I am miscarrying. It's disappointing and frustrating but we're doing better than expected. We were pretty sure that's what was happening but still held onto a little hope. Having two days to process what was going on softened the blow to an extent.
Although we weren't totally prepared to be pregnant again, we were starting to embrace the idea. The timing seemed about right since the age gap between kids would have been the same as our other two. And we always hoped that if we did get pregnant again on our own it would be relatively soon and not years down the road where we would have to undergo another lifestyle change. We knew there would be more challenges too. Missing out on vacations and trips, having a more difficult time finding a sitter for our two plus an infant, fitting all of us and our stuff into our vehicles without having to buy something bigger (like a minivan - vomit!), and the fear of having another reflux baby like Myelle. We had thought about names since we had run out of ideas by now. And we contemplated bedroom arrangements when we brought the baby home - Kyler and Myelle would bunk up in Kyler's room until the baby was sleeping through the night. Depending on the gender, baby would then room with the sibling of the same sex. We wouldn't find out what we were having and we would borrow the baby stuff I had sold. So even with our guarded hearts, we were ready for another little one to join our family.
Unfortunately, that is not going to be happening. Not at this time anyway. The radiologist did not speak to us about anything she saw, but we have been though enough sonograms that we saw there was no heartbeat or movement. And that the baby was measuring 7 weeks, 3 days. It had apparently stopped growing right after our last appointment. Neither of us shed a tear. I guess we must have done a good job guarding our hearts. I am going to Topeka tomorrow afternoon to meet with the doctor. I am guessing he will suggest testing but at this point we are planning to miscarry naturally and forego testing this time around. One reason for this is that I am on a high deductible insurance plan so most of this (surgery and testing) would be paid for out of pocket. Plus, I'm not convinced we would find anything we didn't already know. My FHS levels were not great when we were trying to conceive Myelle. My guess is that my eggs are bad. Or maybe there is a chromosome issue. Or maybe a little of each depending on which of the three miscarriages you are looking at. Maybe if we have a fourth miscarriage when I am on a normal insurance plan or close to meeting my deductible we will do a little testing. It would be different if we were "trying" to add to our family. We are more than fine with what we've got, but at the same time we would be thrilled if we could win the baby jackpot one more time. I would love to have the chance enjoy the newborn stage one last time. With Myelle we were in survival mode just trying to get her through the reflux and discomfort.
Once we get through the actual miscarriage, we will have to decide if we are okay with this happening again. I think right now we are okay with it. Yes, it totally sucks to feel like crap for week after week, be on medicine that makes feeling like crap seem like a beach vacation, pay hundreds of dollars for such medicine, rearrange schedules for doctor appointments, and pay a bunch of medical bills all to get nothing out of it. That totally sucks. And that's not even mentioning the disappointment or the physical effects of the miscarriages. But my wise husband reminded me that it's a risk worth taking. All of that means nothing if we end up with another beautiful Brack baby in our arms. He said the same thing when I wanted to give up on fertility treatments with Myelle and he was so right. So, stay tuned. Hopefully one of these times we can have a real reason to be excited and not just the false hope of that wonderful heartbeat. I really hope it's the next time. I hate answering the "how many pregnancies have you had?" question with 5, and then following it up with "2 live births." I really don't want the first number to increase without the second one.
Although we weren't totally prepared to be pregnant again, we were starting to embrace the idea. The timing seemed about right since the age gap between kids would have been the same as our other two. And we always hoped that if we did get pregnant again on our own it would be relatively soon and not years down the road where we would have to undergo another lifestyle change. We knew there would be more challenges too. Missing out on vacations and trips, having a more difficult time finding a sitter for our two plus an infant, fitting all of us and our stuff into our vehicles without having to buy something bigger (like a minivan - vomit!), and the fear of having another reflux baby like Myelle. We had thought about names since we had run out of ideas by now. And we contemplated bedroom arrangements when we brought the baby home - Kyler and Myelle would bunk up in Kyler's room until the baby was sleeping through the night. Depending on the gender, baby would then room with the sibling of the same sex. We wouldn't find out what we were having and we would borrow the baby stuff I had sold. So even with our guarded hearts, we were ready for another little one to join our family.
Unfortunately, that is not going to be happening. Not at this time anyway. The radiologist did not speak to us about anything she saw, but we have been though enough sonograms that we saw there was no heartbeat or movement. And that the baby was measuring 7 weeks, 3 days. It had apparently stopped growing right after our last appointment. Neither of us shed a tear. I guess we must have done a good job guarding our hearts. I am going to Topeka tomorrow afternoon to meet with the doctor. I am guessing he will suggest testing but at this point we are planning to miscarry naturally and forego testing this time around. One reason for this is that I am on a high deductible insurance plan so most of this (surgery and testing) would be paid for out of pocket. Plus, I'm not convinced we would find anything we didn't already know. My FHS levels were not great when we were trying to conceive Myelle. My guess is that my eggs are bad. Or maybe there is a chromosome issue. Or maybe a little of each depending on which of the three miscarriages you are looking at. Maybe if we have a fourth miscarriage when I am on a normal insurance plan or close to meeting my deductible we will do a little testing. It would be different if we were "trying" to add to our family. We are more than fine with what we've got, but at the same time we would be thrilled if we could win the baby jackpot one more time. I would love to have the chance enjoy the newborn stage one last time. With Myelle we were in survival mode just trying to get her through the reflux and discomfort.
Once we get through the actual miscarriage, we will have to decide if we are okay with this happening again. I think right now we are okay with it. Yes, it totally sucks to feel like crap for week after week, be on medicine that makes feeling like crap seem like a beach vacation, pay hundreds of dollars for such medicine, rearrange schedules for doctor appointments, and pay a bunch of medical bills all to get nothing out of it. That totally sucks. And that's not even mentioning the disappointment or the physical effects of the miscarriages. But my wise husband reminded me that it's a risk worth taking. All of that means nothing if we end up with another beautiful Brack baby in our arms. He said the same thing when I wanted to give up on fertility treatments with Myelle and he was so right. So, stay tuned. Hopefully one of these times we can have a real reason to be excited and not just the false hope of that wonderful heartbeat. I really hope it's the next time. I hate answering the "how many pregnancies have you had?" question with 5, and then following it up with "2 live births." I really don't want the first number to increase without the second one.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Not Looking Good
Things are not looking good anymore. I started bleeding yesterday. Not a ton but definitely more than just spotting. Some clots and cramps along with it. Of course it had to start on a Saturday. I will probably be going in for a sonogram on Monday. Not sure what the cause is but we are hoping it's coming from my right uterus. I'm not counting on it though. I also switched from an oral to vaginal progesterone and the dosage was a lot less so that is on my mind as a possible cause too. Bottom line is I'm pretty sure I am going to miscarry but still holding onto some hope.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Going Great
The sonogram today went well. The heart rate had increased to 132 and the baby is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days. The official due date is April 27, 2015. Thanks for your prayers! We could still use more since the low progesterone may or may not be a bad sign, but so far everything is looking great.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Heartbeat
What a nerve-wracking wait in the reception area at the doctor's office today. Although I tried to remain emotionless I was pretty stressed about what was about to happen. How do you prepare yourself for what will either be one of the happiest moments or one of the saddest moments of your adult life? I don't think you really can.
We finally got brought back and the tech said something to the effect of, "Well, let's see what kind of a start we have. Unfortunately you've been through this before." It wasn't sounding positive already. I did appreciate her honesty and her not getting our hopes up. She went ahead and got started and I immediately saw the amniotic fluid. She was zoomed out quite a bit so I couldn't tell if I could see a little white spot or not. Then when she zoomed in closer, I could tell there was definitely something there. She said she could see a flicker of a heartbeat. I was still in disbelief that we were getting positive news. I asked if it was a bad sign that the amniotic sac wasn't perfectly round. She said that didn't cause her any concern at all. She told us that the heart rate was low. It was 105 and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks, which is about what I expected. As I had suspected due to slight pressure on that side, the baby is on the left side (same as Myelle, but none of the other three pregnancies). She said that the doctors don't get too positive until they see a heart rate of at least 110 so I would need to come back for another scan in a week or two. So right now, we are cautiously optimistic. I think I will remain cautious until we hit about 14-16 weeks just because of the low progesterone. I am SO glad I asked to get put on the supplements last week rather than waiting. They may have saved this pregnancy.
I am finding myself not being as cautious as I would like to though as I keep thinking about the future... where the baby will sleep, what we will need to buy, whether we will find out the gender beforehand (Brett votes yes but I vote no), how we will ever pick out names, what next summer will be like for the other two kids, etc. I am also anxious to tell people (other than the few that read this blog or that I've told in person) but don't want to get the word out and have people congratulating me on the big news as I am miscarrying. It's not that I mind people knowing, but I like to keep track of who I have told or how so that I don't have any of those awkward conversations in the event we get bad news in the upcoming weeks. For now, we will just wait and pray for the second trimester to arrive. Hopefully this extreme fatigue will let up around that time as well!
We finally got brought back and the tech said something to the effect of, "Well, let's see what kind of a start we have. Unfortunately you've been through this before." It wasn't sounding positive already. I did appreciate her honesty and her not getting our hopes up. She went ahead and got started and I immediately saw the amniotic fluid. She was zoomed out quite a bit so I couldn't tell if I could see a little white spot or not. Then when she zoomed in closer, I could tell there was definitely something there. She said she could see a flicker of a heartbeat. I was still in disbelief that we were getting positive news. I asked if it was a bad sign that the amniotic sac wasn't perfectly round. She said that didn't cause her any concern at all. She told us that the heart rate was low. It was 105 and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks, which is about what I expected. As I had suspected due to slight pressure on that side, the baby is on the left side (same as Myelle, but none of the other three pregnancies). She said that the doctors don't get too positive until they see a heart rate of at least 110 so I would need to come back for another scan in a week or two. So right now, we are cautiously optimistic. I think I will remain cautious until we hit about 14-16 weeks just because of the low progesterone. I am SO glad I asked to get put on the supplements last week rather than waiting. They may have saved this pregnancy.
I am finding myself not being as cautious as I would like to though as I keep thinking about the future... where the baby will sleep, what we will need to buy, whether we will find out the gender beforehand (Brett votes yes but I vote no), how we will ever pick out names, what next summer will be like for the other two kids, etc. I am also anxious to tell people (other than the few that read this blog or that I've told in person) but don't want to get the word out and have people congratulating me on the big news as I am miscarrying. It's not that I mind people knowing, but I like to keep track of who I have told or how so that I don't have any of those awkward conversations in the event we get bad news in the upcoming weeks. For now, we will just wait and pray for the second trimester to arrive. Hopefully this extreme fatigue will let up around that time as well!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Pregnant Again
This has been a roller coaster of a week for me. Over the weekend we made a trip to Topeka for a birthday party and while we were there we did some shopping. I grabbed a pair of pregnancy tests at Target, thinking that if my period didn't come over the weekend I better take one. Monday morning I took it and there was a positive line the second the pee hit the stick. I was surprised that it was positive, and shocked that it was such a bold line and showed up so fast. I have never had such a clear result before. So here we are, our 5th pregnancy.
Prior to taking this test, we had sort of assumed that our last pregnancy/miscarriage was just a fluke since we had to do so many fertility treatments to get pregnant with Myelle. We knew it could happen, but weren't really counting on it. When we found out, we were freaking out a little because three kids is a lot different than two. We were thinking about how we would be outnumbered by kids, that they would have to share rooms, how we would all fit in the car, etc. But we were also excited about this unexpected surprise and the fact that we really are able to accomplish something we thought to be impossible - getting pregnant without "trying." We started thinking about how even though it will be hard now, when we are older we will be glad that our family expanded and we welcomed more children than we had planned on having.
My last period was on July 10th, and I am pretty sure I ovulated around August 1st. So as of Monday I would have been 6 weeks 4 days or 5 weeks 3 days depending on which date you go from. I went in for labs Monday afternoon and I got my HCG level back later in the day. The numbers were great, well over 6,000. It was at 9,047 which was high enough that I wouldn't have to get labs drawn again before the ultrasound. As we waited for progesterone levels to come back, we started thinking that this was a "good" pregnancy since the beta was so high and that we would likely be having a baby in 8 months.
Unfortunately, when I finally got a call about the progesterone results, I found out they were very low. I believe the number was 8.9. From what I've read, anything less than 5 is almost a guaranteed miscarriage, anything less than 10 gives a very small (less than 10%) chance of survival, 14 and above is okay but not great, and the ideal would be well over 20. So we are looking at slim chances of having a healthy pregnancy. The nurse I spoke with said that we would just wait and see what the sonogram shows (which is in a week) and then take progesterone supplements if necessary. I was appalled that we would wait until then and told her that I have been put on progesterone with my past pregnancies. She mentioned that if it was a miscarriage it would prolong the inevitable, but she spoke with the doctor and he wrote me a ($200) prescription. So I started that on Wednesday evening. I still think our chances are slim but I thought it would be best to start the progesterone right away in case there was a chance to save the pregnancy. I think the doctor was probably thinking this pregnancy is over and let's not prolong it. He may be right, but I want to do everything I can for this little one.
So now we wait. My appointment is a week from yesterday. We will do an ultrasound and find out whether the baby is alive or dead. It's going to be a rough morning for me. This whole ordeal is pretty emotionally draining, and the hormones do not help. I can tell the progesterone is making me even more emotional. Miscarriages are hard. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have multiple in a row when you are actually trying to get pregnant. We were indifferent to having more kids, and it is still awful to think of letting go of a baby you made and will never get to hold in your arms or whisper in their tiny ear how much you love them. Even if we have a good ultrasound next week, we are not out of the woods. A lot of times the progesterone is low because something is wrong with the baby's chromosomes. If that's the case, I will still eventually miscarry (probably around 10-14 weeks). On the other hand, if it is just that my body was not producing enough progesterone and we started supplements early enough, we could end up with a healthy baby in April as long as this sonogram comes back normal. Either way, it's a waiting game. And not a fun one.
I am trying my best to give it up to God. Leave it in His hands. I know our children are on loan from Him. I know if they never take a breath on Earth, they will be in an even better place waiting for the rest of us. It's just so hard to let go. Something tells me that our baby went to Jesus this morning, but something else tells me to hold onto that glimmer of hope that remains.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Surprise Miscarriage
This post doesn't exactly fall into the category "Life Beyond the Babies" but it's life, so it's going here. We have had quite an emotional 24+ hours. I'll start out by saying this post is not for everyone, so you may want to stop reading now. I am putting it all out there for a couple of reasons. First, I want a record so that if something like this happens again I have something to compare to. Second, for others out there in blog world who may be going through something similar.
If you've read my other blogs back to when we were trying to conceive our two children, you know that my reproductive system is a little out of whack. The main fertility issue I have to deal with is PCOS. Because of PCOS, I have had times where my menstrual cycle is very irregular. I have gone 9 months between cycles in high school and several months at a time at other points in my life. I honestly don't know when my last cycle was. If I had to guess, I would say around 4 months ago. Finally on Saturday I started bleeding. Unfortunately it didn't stop until today (Wednesday). It seemed like a lot, and there was some considerable clotting but when the intense cramping started yesterday I knew something was wrong. I called the doctor and they wanted me to come in for blood work at the end of the day to check for infection, check my thyroid, and do a pregnancy test. I ended up leaving work around lunch time because the pain was too much to bear in the workplace. On the way, I called to be seen as soon as I could and went in first thing for the blood work.
My appointment was at 2:15, and the hour and a half wait until the appointment time seemed like an eternity. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. I was pretty sure it was either a miscarriage or something like a fibroid that was getting out of control. After going through my symptoms at the doctor's office, I was told that the pregnancy test was positive. Although I had predicted it, I was floored. How could we have tried so hard to have babies for the past four years to have a surprise pregnancy? I know it happens, but it's not very common in the infertile world I have been accustomed to. I sent Brett a text when I was waiting for the sonogram and he came up to the hospital. We hadn't planned or necessarily "wanted" more kids, but we were both very sad, heartbroken, that we wouldn't be meeting or parenting this tiny child we had made. It's so weird how you can miss something only moments after you find out it existed. Many times since Myelle was born (she was an awful baby) I had said I would cry if I found out I was pregnant. I apparently wasn't lying. I have had a lot of guilt about making that statement. It's true that we would have been overwhelmed, but I know 100% that we would have been more excited than anything. And since having our other kids, we had pledged to God that since He worked with us to get us the two children we have, we would welcome any additional children He blessed us with. We stand by that pledge.
The sonogram was bittersweet. We could see the gestational sac. It was in my right uterus, the same place Kyler had started his life. And the same place where our other angel baby lived for just a few short weeks. The last miscarriage, the sac was one big black circle. It was very defined and round, and absolutely black on the inside. This one was different. The shape wasn't perfectly round (probably because it has started to absorb as part of the miscarriage) and we could see some sort of shadowy thing inside, probably our baby. There was absolutely no heartbeat. And with the bleeding and cramping I had been having, a very high likelihood that this pregnancy was over. The sac measured at about 5 weeks, 5 days. I would guess that it was a little bigger before the miscarriage started, since the sac had started to be absorbed at this point. We also don't know when the baby stopped developing. It could have been a week ago, or it could have been months ago and my body is finally deciding it's time for that little one to move out.
The doctor's office referred me to an OB to see in Topeka the next morning. We were to have another sonogram and probably a D&C if I hadn't passed everything. When we got home, I did some research online and found that very rarely, a baby does survive something like this. We knew it was beyond a long shot, but if this was truly a miracle baby we didn't want to rule anything out too soon. Since we don't get a lot of vacation and Brett doesn't get sick days, I decided to go to Topeka alone and meet with the OB doctor. Before I left, we had decided not to do the D&C quite yet unless it posed a significant risk to my own health not to. We wanted to give it a couple of days to either confirm or deny the miscarriage. One theory I had was that there was too much lining due to not having a cycle in so long and the bleeding was a way of getting rid of some of that. The internet said that it could have been a blood clot in the uterus that needed to come out or a type of hemorrhage that isn't detrimental to the pregnancy. Another idea was that one side of my uterus was having a period while the other was having a normal pregnancy. Since the baby was only measuring 5 weeks, seeing a heartbeat was not guaranteed even in a normal pregnancy. I won't say we got optimistic, because that's not what happened. But we did have a little hope that we were clinging to, and mostly we didn't want to turn down a gift from God if that's what it was.
This morning I woke up and realized that I had hardly bled overnight. Then I didn't have even a drop of blood by 9:30 when I used the restroom. I wasn't sure what to think. The OB did an exam and we talked about what should happen next. I explained that we didn't want to rush to a D and C and he was fine with that. I had another sonogram. This time, she couldn't find any definitive structures in my uterus. There was a dark spot, but it was not round. It was smooshed up like a pancake. This was a pretty definitive sign that the pregnancy was not viable. A few more tears flowed as that tiny bit of hope faded away. The doctor offered to do bloodwork again today to confirm what we were seeing. I was very happy he did this because it makes it that much more clear and makes it easier to go ahead and let go of that hope, and be at peace with what is happening. I just received the numbers. My HCG decreased from 1279 yesterday to 719 today (this number should double every 24 hours in a viable pregnancy). My progesterone was at 0.4 (5 is low, 14 is ideal in a pregnancy).
The doctor warned me that going that long between cycles is unhealthy and could cause uterine cancer. Since I had told him we didn't necessarily want to become pregnant, he suggested I go on birth control. I'm sure he thought I was a hot mess when I told him I didn't want to go on birth control because we didn't want to completely rule out the chance of having more kids. Like I said, we made a pledge to God, and unless it becomes unhealthy for me or He starts having us multiply like rabbits, we plan to keep that pledge. So the other option is to get back on Metformin and see if that regulates my cycles. If not, then he talked about Femara and possible something like Ovidrel. Sound familiar? That was my fertility cocktail. Hopefully my body will decide to stay regular on its own and none of this will be necessary. Like I said, we don't necessarily want to become pregnant. We just aren't going to do anything to stop it.
Unfortunately, this isn't all over yet. I still have to miscarry. All the cramping I had yesterday was just due to some clotting. I'm a little concerned about what the actual miscarriage is going to feel like. With my last one, I had a D and C done before any bleeding had started. And my kids were both C-sections with no labor. So this is all new territory to me. Plus, since the pregnancy was on my right side, which is my smaller cervix, I have a feeling it's not going to be too pleasant. My biggest concern is that I have to go back to work and it could happen there. Since I don't know exactly when it will happen, I don't have much choice. I can't just stay home for a week or so and wait. So I guess we will go on with life as usual for now and just wait and see what happens next in this crazy little thing called life.
3/26/14 Update: I passed what they call the "products of conception" on the 24th. It was actually not very painful at all which was a nice surprise. The cramping last week was tremendously worse. My labs came back today with a HCG level of 44, so I will have to go in Monday to get it tested again. Hopefully it goes to zero so I can avoid a D and C or additional ultrasounds. I am not looking forward to the bills now that my insurance doesn't cover nearly what it did with my old job.
4/2/14 Update: I had another blood draw today and my HCG is at 8. The OB-GYN I saw wants it to be lower so I will go back in another week to have it tested again. They said this would be the last time. I have not been bleeding hardly at all for the past week so hopefully my levels do go down enough to get them comfortable releasing me from care.
If you've read my other blogs back to when we were trying to conceive our two children, you know that my reproductive system is a little out of whack. The main fertility issue I have to deal with is PCOS. Because of PCOS, I have had times where my menstrual cycle is very irregular. I have gone 9 months between cycles in high school and several months at a time at other points in my life. I honestly don't know when my last cycle was. If I had to guess, I would say around 4 months ago. Finally on Saturday I started bleeding. Unfortunately it didn't stop until today (Wednesday). It seemed like a lot, and there was some considerable clotting but when the intense cramping started yesterday I knew something was wrong. I called the doctor and they wanted me to come in for blood work at the end of the day to check for infection, check my thyroid, and do a pregnancy test. I ended up leaving work around lunch time because the pain was too much to bear in the workplace. On the way, I called to be seen as soon as I could and went in first thing for the blood work.
My appointment was at 2:15, and the hour and a half wait until the appointment time seemed like an eternity. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. I was pretty sure it was either a miscarriage or something like a fibroid that was getting out of control. After going through my symptoms at the doctor's office, I was told that the pregnancy test was positive. Although I had predicted it, I was floored. How could we have tried so hard to have babies for the past four years to have a surprise pregnancy? I know it happens, but it's not very common in the infertile world I have been accustomed to. I sent Brett a text when I was waiting for the sonogram and he came up to the hospital. We hadn't planned or necessarily "wanted" more kids, but we were both very sad, heartbroken, that we wouldn't be meeting or parenting this tiny child we had made. It's so weird how you can miss something only moments after you find out it existed. Many times since Myelle was born (she was an awful baby) I had said I would cry if I found out I was pregnant. I apparently wasn't lying. I have had a lot of guilt about making that statement. It's true that we would have been overwhelmed, but I know 100% that we would have been more excited than anything. And since having our other kids, we had pledged to God that since He worked with us to get us the two children we have, we would welcome any additional children He blessed us with. We stand by that pledge.
The sonogram was bittersweet. We could see the gestational sac. It was in my right uterus, the same place Kyler had started his life. And the same place where our other angel baby lived for just a few short weeks. The last miscarriage, the sac was one big black circle. It was very defined and round, and absolutely black on the inside. This one was different. The shape wasn't perfectly round (probably because it has started to absorb as part of the miscarriage) and we could see some sort of shadowy thing inside, probably our baby. There was absolutely no heartbeat. And with the bleeding and cramping I had been having, a very high likelihood that this pregnancy was over. The sac measured at about 5 weeks, 5 days. I would guess that it was a little bigger before the miscarriage started, since the sac had started to be absorbed at this point. We also don't know when the baby stopped developing. It could have been a week ago, or it could have been months ago and my body is finally deciding it's time for that little one to move out.
The doctor's office referred me to an OB to see in Topeka the next morning. We were to have another sonogram and probably a D&C if I hadn't passed everything. When we got home, I did some research online and found that very rarely, a baby does survive something like this. We knew it was beyond a long shot, but if this was truly a miracle baby we didn't want to rule anything out too soon. Since we don't get a lot of vacation and Brett doesn't get sick days, I decided to go to Topeka alone and meet with the OB doctor. Before I left, we had decided not to do the D&C quite yet unless it posed a significant risk to my own health not to. We wanted to give it a couple of days to either confirm or deny the miscarriage. One theory I had was that there was too much lining due to not having a cycle in so long and the bleeding was a way of getting rid of some of that. The internet said that it could have been a blood clot in the uterus that needed to come out or a type of hemorrhage that isn't detrimental to the pregnancy. Another idea was that one side of my uterus was having a period while the other was having a normal pregnancy. Since the baby was only measuring 5 weeks, seeing a heartbeat was not guaranteed even in a normal pregnancy. I won't say we got optimistic, because that's not what happened. But we did have a little hope that we were clinging to, and mostly we didn't want to turn down a gift from God if that's what it was.
This morning I woke up and realized that I had hardly bled overnight. Then I didn't have even a drop of blood by 9:30 when I used the restroom. I wasn't sure what to think. The OB did an exam and we talked about what should happen next. I explained that we didn't want to rush to a D and C and he was fine with that. I had another sonogram. This time, she couldn't find any definitive structures in my uterus. There was a dark spot, but it was not round. It was smooshed up like a pancake. This was a pretty definitive sign that the pregnancy was not viable. A few more tears flowed as that tiny bit of hope faded away. The doctor offered to do bloodwork again today to confirm what we were seeing. I was very happy he did this because it makes it that much more clear and makes it easier to go ahead and let go of that hope, and be at peace with what is happening. I just received the numbers. My HCG decreased from 1279 yesterday to 719 today (this number should double every 24 hours in a viable pregnancy). My progesterone was at 0.4 (5 is low, 14 is ideal in a pregnancy).
The doctor warned me that going that long between cycles is unhealthy and could cause uterine cancer. Since I had told him we didn't necessarily want to become pregnant, he suggested I go on birth control. I'm sure he thought I was a hot mess when I told him I didn't want to go on birth control because we didn't want to completely rule out the chance of having more kids. Like I said, we made a pledge to God, and unless it becomes unhealthy for me or He starts having us multiply like rabbits, we plan to keep that pledge. So the other option is to get back on Metformin and see if that regulates my cycles. If not, then he talked about Femara and possible something like Ovidrel. Sound familiar? That was my fertility cocktail. Hopefully my body will decide to stay regular on its own and none of this will be necessary. Like I said, we don't necessarily want to become pregnant. We just aren't going to do anything to stop it.
Unfortunately, this isn't all over yet. I still have to miscarry. All the cramping I had yesterday was just due to some clotting. I'm a little concerned about what the actual miscarriage is going to feel like. With my last one, I had a D and C done before any bleeding had started. And my kids were both C-sections with no labor. So this is all new territory to me. Plus, since the pregnancy was on my right side, which is my smaller cervix, I have a feeling it's not going to be too pleasant. My biggest concern is that I have to go back to work and it could happen there. Since I don't know exactly when it will happen, I don't have much choice. I can't just stay home for a week or so and wait. So I guess we will go on with life as usual for now and just wait and see what happens next in this crazy little thing called life.
Goodbye, little one. You are so loved, even if we didn't know you were here until you were already gone. We wish there was something we could have done to change the outcome. We would do anything to have you here with us. You and the sibling that went before you will always hold a special place in our hearts. Love you!
3/26/14 Update: I passed what they call the "products of conception" on the 24th. It was actually not very painful at all which was a nice surprise. The cramping last week was tremendously worse. My labs came back today with a HCG level of 44, so I will have to go in Monday to get it tested again. Hopefully it goes to zero so I can avoid a D and C or additional ultrasounds. I am not looking forward to the bills now that my insurance doesn't cover nearly what it did with my old job.
4/2/14 Update: I had another blood draw today and my HCG is at 8. The OB-GYN I saw wants it to be lower so I will go back in another week to have it tested again. They said this would be the last time. I have not been bleeding hardly at all for the past week so hopefully my levels do go down enough to get them comfortable releasing me from care.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Yep, Back to Work
Well, I got the job offer this morning. It's what I was wanting so I guess I'm going back to work. I will work 32 hours/week (that's the magic number to get benefits). I will work in the office Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays and probably work a partial day from home on Wednesdays... basically whatever it takes to get the hours in. It's going to be a big change for our family so I am a little worried about that. Hopefully there will be enough time to get meals planned and prepared, get the lawn mowed and chores done, and still have enough time to enjoy these little kids that are growing up too fast. I do feel like I need somewhat of a break from kids 24/7 though and I hope that my patience with Kyler improves with this change. He is becoming more and more difficult lately - terrible 3's I guess. It will probably be good for Myelle too. She is quite the Mama's girl. I'm sure going to miss them though!
Now I just need to get some things lined up before heading back to work (my tentative start date is Tuesday). First thing is child care. My mom will be taking care of them most of the time. She has a job at the local library a couple days each week (Mondays and Wednesday afternoons) which is what is dictating my work schedule. We are going to try to get a high school girl or someone else to take care of the kids over the summer so that my mom isn't tied down as much and she can help out at the library and do her own thing. I also need to get the house in order and be sure to have plenty of food around and prepared in advance so it can just be heated up for the kiddos.
The biggest thing I am looking forward to is not having to worry about every penny we spend. We will have enough income to remodel the house as well as buy the things we really want or need. We can start making more charitable contributions the way we used to. And we can once again actively contribute to our retirement rather than doing the bare minimum.
Hopefully I am making the right choice by going back to work. It's one of those things that sort of just happened so I am taking that as it was meant to be.
Now I just need to get some things lined up before heading back to work (my tentative start date is Tuesday). First thing is child care. My mom will be taking care of them most of the time. She has a job at the local library a couple days each week (Mondays and Wednesday afternoons) which is what is dictating my work schedule. We are going to try to get a high school girl or someone else to take care of the kids over the summer so that my mom isn't tied down as much and she can help out at the library and do her own thing. I also need to get the house in order and be sure to have plenty of food around and prepared in advance so it can just be heated up for the kiddos.
The biggest thing I am looking forward to is not having to worry about every penny we spend. We will have enough income to remodel the house as well as buy the things we really want or need. We can start making more charitable contributions the way we used to. And we can once again actively contribute to our retirement rather than doing the bare minimum.
Hopefully I am making the right choice by going back to work. It's one of those things that sort of just happened so I am taking that as it was meant to be.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Back to Work?
In a strange and unexpected sequence of events, I found myself at a job interview this morning. A couple months ago I got a call from a recruiter who works with a former co-worker of mine. He was working on a controller position at a publicly traded company about 30 miles from Seneca. My experience is in tax so I wasn't qualified for that job, but I knew someone who was. A high school friend of mine was an auditor at a big accounting firm in Kansas City and we had talked before about her wanting to move back but there were no good jobs. The dots connected and she was hired. Now, she is in the position to hire someone and asked me if I would be interested.
When I stopped working for GT, I didn't think I would start working for someone else. I wanted to be my own boss and not have to worry about doing "busy work" just to stay chargeable or working certain hours or asking for time off or getting handed work that I wasn't interested in doing. So I started doing tax returns during busy season, hoping to jump start my business. I enjoyed doing the returns but as I started to look into additional services, I found that work to be much less desirable. There were issues with having to buy software, being tied down, and competing with the prices and services of other accountants in the area. The way people are doing business here is not what I'm used to after working for a big firm.
While I love staying home with my kids for the most part, I am finding myself to be a little frustrated. I think it's a combination of not having a lot of adult interaction, having a difficult baby (although she is much better now), not feeling like I am valued for my contributions, not using my brain, and wanting to financially contribute. So if I can work out a part time arrangement and negotiate the salary to my liking, I will probably take this job. Right now we are spending everything Brett is making so we will never be able to get ahead at this rate. It would be nice to have some additional income so that we can maintain the lifestyle we are used to and not worry about buying things we want or going places/doing things we enjoy. We are also remodeling our basement which will eliminate most of our savings so this will help with that and also help us save to remodel the kitchen and bathroom.
I will miss being around the kids all the time. And it will be especially hard for Myelle and I since I have not left her for more than a few hours at a time and she has only taken a couple of bottles (and not willingly). But when I think back working while Kyler was younger, I still feel like I had plenty of time with him and we had and still have a great relationship.
In the end, I still need to see the offer and make a decision. But I think it is a good opportunity. Hopefully the company will grown and allow my career to grow along with it. And if it doesn't pan out, I'm not really out anything. I will just have some more time with the kids. I am still a little shocked that I am even considering going back to work after trying to quit my old job for about 3 years. I need to learn to never say never, because as soon as I get my mind set, something happens to change it.
When I stopped working for GT, I didn't think I would start working for someone else. I wanted to be my own boss and not have to worry about doing "busy work" just to stay chargeable or working certain hours or asking for time off or getting handed work that I wasn't interested in doing. So I started doing tax returns during busy season, hoping to jump start my business. I enjoyed doing the returns but as I started to look into additional services, I found that work to be much less desirable. There were issues with having to buy software, being tied down, and competing with the prices and services of other accountants in the area. The way people are doing business here is not what I'm used to after working for a big firm.
While I love staying home with my kids for the most part, I am finding myself to be a little frustrated. I think it's a combination of not having a lot of adult interaction, having a difficult baby (although she is much better now), not feeling like I am valued for my contributions, not using my brain, and wanting to financially contribute. So if I can work out a part time arrangement and negotiate the salary to my liking, I will probably take this job. Right now we are spending everything Brett is making so we will never be able to get ahead at this rate. It would be nice to have some additional income so that we can maintain the lifestyle we are used to and not worry about buying things we want or going places/doing things we enjoy. We are also remodeling our basement which will eliminate most of our savings so this will help with that and also help us save to remodel the kitchen and bathroom.
I will miss being around the kids all the time. And it will be especially hard for Myelle and I since I have not left her for more than a few hours at a time and she has only taken a couple of bottles (and not willingly). But when I think back working while Kyler was younger, I still feel like I had plenty of time with him and we had and still have a great relationship.
In the end, I still need to see the offer and make a decision. But I think it is a good opportunity. Hopefully the company will grown and allow my career to grow along with it. And if it doesn't pan out, I'm not really out anything. I will just have some more time with the kids. I am still a little shocked that I am even considering going back to work after trying to quit my old job for about 3 years. I need to learn to never say never, because as soon as I get my mind set, something happens to change it.
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