As Expected...

I am miscarrying. It's disappointing and frustrating but we're doing better than expected. We were pretty sure that's what was happening but still held onto a little hope. Having two days to process what was going on softened the blow to an extent.

Although we weren't totally prepared to be pregnant again, we were starting to embrace the idea. The timing seemed about right since the age gap between kids would have been the same as our other two. And we always hoped that if we did get pregnant again on our own it would be relatively soon and not years down the road where we would have to undergo another lifestyle change. We knew there would be more challenges too. Missing out on vacations and trips, having a more difficult time finding a sitter for our two plus an infant, fitting all of us and our stuff into our vehicles without having to buy something bigger (like a minivan - vomit!), and the fear of having another reflux baby like Myelle. We had thought about names since we had run out of ideas by now. And we contemplated bedroom arrangements when we brought the baby home - Kyler and Myelle would bunk up in Kyler's room until the baby was sleeping through the night. Depending on the gender, baby would then room with the sibling of the same sex. We wouldn't find out what we were having and we would borrow the baby stuff I had sold. So even with our guarded hearts, we were ready for another little one to join our family.

Unfortunately, that is not going to be happening. Not at this time anyway. The radiologist did not speak to us about anything she saw, but we have been though enough sonograms that we saw there was no heartbeat or movement. And that the baby was measuring 7 weeks, 3 days. It had apparently stopped growing right after our last appointment. Neither of us shed a tear. I guess we must have done a good job guarding our hearts. I am going to Topeka tomorrow afternoon to meet with the doctor. I am guessing he will suggest testing but at this point we are planning to miscarry naturally and forego testing this time around. One reason for this is that I am on a high deductible insurance plan so most of this (surgery and testing) would be paid for out of pocket. Plus, I'm not convinced we would find anything we didn't already know. My FHS levels were not great when we were trying to conceive Myelle. My guess is that my eggs are bad. Or maybe there is a chromosome issue. Or maybe a little of each depending on which of the three miscarriages you are looking at. Maybe if we have a fourth miscarriage when I am on a normal insurance plan or close to meeting my deductible we will do a little testing. It would be different if we were "trying" to add to our family. We are more than fine with what we've got, but at the same time we would be thrilled if we could win the baby jackpot one more time. I would love to have the chance enjoy the newborn stage one last time. With Myelle we were in survival mode just trying to get her through the reflux and discomfort.

Once we get through the actual miscarriage, we will have to decide if we are okay with this happening again. I think right now we are okay with it. Yes, it totally sucks to feel like crap for week after week, be on medicine that makes feeling like crap seem like a beach vacation, pay hundreds of dollars for such medicine, rearrange schedules for doctor appointments, and pay a bunch of medical bills all to get nothing out of it. That totally sucks. And that's not even mentioning the disappointment or the physical effects of the miscarriages. But my wise husband reminded me that it's a risk worth taking. All of that means nothing if we end up with another beautiful Brack baby in our arms. He said the same thing when I wanted to give up on fertility treatments with Myelle and he was so right. So, stay tuned. Hopefully one of these times we can have a real reason to be excited and not just the false hope of that wonderful heartbeat. I really hope it's the next time. I hate answering the "how many pregnancies have you had?" question with 5, and then following it up with "2 live births." I really don't want the first number to increase without the second one.