If you've read my other blogs back to when we were trying to conceive our two children, you know that my reproductive system is a little out of whack. The main fertility issue I have to deal with is PCOS. Because of PCOS, I have had times where my menstrual cycle is very irregular. I have gone 9 months between cycles in high school and several months at a time at other points in my life. I honestly don't know when my last cycle was. If I had to guess, I would say around 4 months ago. Finally on Saturday I started bleeding. Unfortunately it didn't stop until today (Wednesday). It seemed like a lot, and there was some considerable clotting but when the intense cramping started yesterday I knew something was wrong. I called the doctor and they wanted me to come in for blood work at the end of the day to check for infection, check my thyroid, and do a pregnancy test. I ended up leaving work around lunch time because the pain was too much to bear in the workplace. On the way, I called to be seen as soon as I could and went in first thing for the blood work.
My appointment was at 2:15, and the hour and a half wait until the appointment time seemed like an eternity. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. I was pretty sure it was either a miscarriage or something like a fibroid that was getting out of control. After going through my symptoms at the doctor's office, I was told that the pregnancy test was positive. Although I had predicted it, I was floored. How could we have tried so hard to have babies for the past four years to have a surprise pregnancy? I know it happens, but it's not very common in the infertile world I have been accustomed to. I sent Brett a text when I was waiting for the sonogram and he came up to the hospital. We hadn't planned or necessarily "wanted" more kids, but we were both very sad, heartbroken, that we wouldn't be meeting or parenting this tiny child we had made. It's so weird how you can miss something only moments after you find out it existed. Many times since Myelle was born (she was an awful baby) I had said I would cry if I found out I was pregnant. I apparently wasn't lying. I have had a lot of guilt about making that statement. It's true that we would have been overwhelmed, but I know 100% that we would have been more excited than anything. And since having our other kids, we had pledged to God that since He worked with us to get us the two children we have, we would welcome any additional children He blessed us with. We stand by that pledge.
The sonogram was bittersweet. We could see the gestational sac. It was in my right uterus, the same place Kyler had started his life. And the same place where our other angel baby lived for just a few short weeks. The last miscarriage, the sac was one big black circle. It was very defined and round, and absolutely black on the inside. This one was different. The shape wasn't perfectly round (probably because it has started to absorb as part of the miscarriage) and we could see some sort of shadowy thing inside, probably our baby. There was absolutely no heartbeat. And with the bleeding and cramping I had been having, a very high likelihood that this pregnancy was over. The sac measured at about 5 weeks, 5 days. I would guess that it was a little bigger before the miscarriage started, since the sac had started to be absorbed at this point. We also don't know when the baby stopped developing. It could have been a week ago, or it could have been months ago and my body is finally deciding it's time for that little one to move out.
The doctor's office referred me to an OB to see in Topeka the next morning. We were to have another sonogram and probably a D&C if I hadn't passed everything. When we got home, I did some research online and found that very rarely, a baby does survive something like this. We knew it was beyond a long shot, but if this was truly a miracle baby we didn't want to rule anything out too soon. Since we don't get a lot of vacation and Brett doesn't get sick days, I decided to go to Topeka alone and meet with the OB doctor. Before I left, we had decided not to do the D&C quite yet unless it posed a significant risk to my own health not to. We wanted to give it a couple of days to either confirm or deny the miscarriage. One theory I had was that there was too much lining due to not having a cycle in so long and the bleeding was a way of getting rid of some of that. The internet said that it could have been a blood clot in the uterus that needed to come out or a type of hemorrhage that isn't detrimental to the pregnancy. Another idea was that one side of my uterus was having a period while the other was having a normal pregnancy. Since the baby was only measuring 5 weeks, seeing a heartbeat was not guaranteed even in a normal pregnancy. I won't say we got optimistic, because that's not what happened. But we did have a little hope that we were clinging to, and mostly we didn't want to turn down a gift from God if that's what it was.
This morning I woke up and realized that I had hardly bled overnight. Then I didn't have even a drop of blood by 9:30 when I used the restroom. I wasn't sure what to think. The OB did an exam and we talked about what should happen next. I explained that we didn't want to rush to a D and C and he was fine with that. I had another sonogram. This time, she couldn't find any definitive structures in my uterus. There was a dark spot, but it was not round. It was smooshed up like a pancake. This was a pretty definitive sign that the pregnancy was not viable. A few more tears flowed as that tiny bit of hope faded away. The doctor offered to do bloodwork again today to confirm what we were seeing. I was very happy he did this because it makes it that much more clear and makes it easier to go ahead and let go of that hope, and be at peace with what is happening. I just received the numbers. My HCG decreased from 1279 yesterday to 719 today (this number should double every 24 hours in a viable pregnancy). My progesterone was at 0.4 (5 is low, 14 is ideal in a pregnancy).
The doctor warned me that going that long between cycles is unhealthy and could cause uterine cancer. Since I had told him we didn't necessarily want to become pregnant, he suggested I go on birth control. I'm sure he thought I was a hot mess when I told him I didn't want to go on birth control because we didn't want to completely rule out the chance of having more kids. Like I said, we made a pledge to God, and unless it becomes unhealthy for me or He starts having us multiply like rabbits, we plan to keep that pledge. So the other option is to get back on Metformin and see if that regulates my cycles. If not, then he talked about Femara and possible something like Ovidrel. Sound familiar? That was my fertility cocktail. Hopefully my body will decide to stay regular on its own and none of this will be necessary. Like I said, we don't necessarily want to become pregnant. We just aren't going to do anything to stop it.
Unfortunately, this isn't all over yet. I still have to miscarry. All the cramping I had yesterday was just due to some clotting. I'm a little concerned about what the actual miscarriage is going to feel like. With my last one, I had a D and C done before any bleeding had started. And my kids were both C-sections with no labor. So this is all new territory to me. Plus, since the pregnancy was on my right side, which is my smaller cervix, I have a feeling it's not going to be too pleasant. My biggest concern is that I have to go back to work and it could happen there. Since I don't know exactly when it will happen, I don't have much choice. I can't just stay home for a week or so and wait. So I guess we will go on with life as usual for now and just wait and see what happens next in this crazy little thing called life.
Goodbye, little one. You are so loved, even if we didn't know you were here until you were already gone. We wish there was something we could have done to change the outcome. We would do anything to have you here with us. You and the sibling that went before you will always hold a special place in our hearts. Love you!
3/26/14 Update: I passed what they call the "products of conception" on the 24th. It was actually not very painful at all which was a nice surprise. The cramping last week was tremendously worse. My labs came back today with a HCG level of 44, so I will have to go in Monday to get it tested again. Hopefully it goes to zero so I can avoid a D and C or additional ultrasounds. I am not looking forward to the bills now that my insurance doesn't cover nearly what it did with my old job.
4/2/14 Update: I had another blood draw today and my HCG is at 8. The OB-GYN I saw wants it to be lower so I will go back in another week to have it tested again. They said this would be the last time. I have not been bleeding hardly at all for the past week so hopefully my levels do go down enough to get them comfortable releasing me from care.
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Cindy, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have been thinking about you since I saw your Facebook post.
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