As Expected...

I am miscarrying. It's disappointing and frustrating but we're doing better than expected. We were pretty sure that's what was happening but still held onto a little hope. Having two days to process what was going on softened the blow to an extent.

Although we weren't totally prepared to be pregnant again, we were starting to embrace the idea. The timing seemed about right since the age gap between kids would have been the same as our other two. And we always hoped that if we did get pregnant again on our own it would be relatively soon and not years down the road where we would have to undergo another lifestyle change. We knew there would be more challenges too. Missing out on vacations and trips, having a more difficult time finding a sitter for our two plus an infant, fitting all of us and our stuff into our vehicles without having to buy something bigger (like a minivan - vomit!), and the fear of having another reflux baby like Myelle. We had thought about names since we had run out of ideas by now. And we contemplated bedroom arrangements when we brought the baby home - Kyler and Myelle would bunk up in Kyler's room until the baby was sleeping through the night. Depending on the gender, baby would then room with the sibling of the same sex. We wouldn't find out what we were having and we would borrow the baby stuff I had sold. So even with our guarded hearts, we were ready for another little one to join our family.

Unfortunately, that is not going to be happening. Not at this time anyway. The radiologist did not speak to us about anything she saw, but we have been though enough sonograms that we saw there was no heartbeat or movement. And that the baby was measuring 7 weeks, 3 days. It had apparently stopped growing right after our last appointment. Neither of us shed a tear. I guess we must have done a good job guarding our hearts. I am going to Topeka tomorrow afternoon to meet with the doctor. I am guessing he will suggest testing but at this point we are planning to miscarry naturally and forego testing this time around. One reason for this is that I am on a high deductible insurance plan so most of this (surgery and testing) would be paid for out of pocket. Plus, I'm not convinced we would find anything we didn't already know. My FHS levels were not great when we were trying to conceive Myelle. My guess is that my eggs are bad. Or maybe there is a chromosome issue. Or maybe a little of each depending on which of the three miscarriages you are looking at. Maybe if we have a fourth miscarriage when I am on a normal insurance plan or close to meeting my deductible we will do a little testing. It would be different if we were "trying" to add to our family. We are more than fine with what we've got, but at the same time we would be thrilled if we could win the baby jackpot one more time. I would love to have the chance enjoy the newborn stage one last time. With Myelle we were in survival mode just trying to get her through the reflux and discomfort.

Once we get through the actual miscarriage, we will have to decide if we are okay with this happening again. I think right now we are okay with it. Yes, it totally sucks to feel like crap for week after week, be on medicine that makes feeling like crap seem like a beach vacation, pay hundreds of dollars for such medicine, rearrange schedules for doctor appointments, and pay a bunch of medical bills all to get nothing out of it. That totally sucks. And that's not even mentioning the disappointment or the physical effects of the miscarriages. But my wise husband reminded me that it's a risk worth taking. All of that means nothing if we end up with another beautiful Brack baby in our arms. He said the same thing when I wanted to give up on fertility treatments with Myelle and he was so right. So, stay tuned. Hopefully one of these times we can have a real reason to be excited and not just the false hope of that wonderful heartbeat. I really hope it's the next time. I hate answering the "how many pregnancies have you had?" question with 5, and then following it up with "2 live births." I really don't want the first number to increase without the second one.

Not Looking Good

Things are not looking good anymore. I started bleeding yesterday. Not a ton but definitely more than just spotting. Some clots and cramps along with it. Of course it had to start on a Saturday. I will probably be going in for a sonogram on Monday. Not sure what the cause is but we are hoping it's coming from my right uterus. I'm not counting on it though. I also switched from an oral to vaginal progesterone and the dosage was a lot less so that is on my mind as a possible cause too. Bottom line is I'm pretty sure I am going to miscarry but still holding onto some hope. 

Going Great

The sonogram today went well. The heart rate had increased to 132 and the baby is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days. The official due date is April 27, 2015. Thanks for your prayers! We could still use more since the low progesterone may or may not be a bad sign, but so far everything is looking great.

Heartbeat

What a nerve-wracking wait in the reception area at the doctor's office today. Although I tried to remain emotionless I was pretty stressed about what was about to happen. How do you prepare yourself for what will either be one of the happiest moments or one of the saddest moments of your adult life? I don't think you really can.

We finally got brought back and the tech said something to the effect of, "Well, let's see what kind of a start we have. Unfortunately you've been through this before." It wasn't sounding positive already. I did appreciate her honesty and her not getting our hopes up. She went ahead and got started and I immediately saw the amniotic fluid. She was zoomed out quite a bit so I couldn't tell if I could see a little white spot or not. Then when she zoomed in closer, I could tell there was definitely something there. She said she could see a flicker of a heartbeat. I was still in disbelief that we were getting positive news. I asked if it was a bad sign that the amniotic sac wasn't perfectly round. She said that didn't cause her any concern at all. She told us that the heart rate was low. It was 105 and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks, which is about what I expected. As I had suspected due to slight pressure on that side, the baby is on the left side (same as Myelle, but none of the other three pregnancies). She said that the doctors don't get too positive until they see a heart rate of at least 110 so I would need to come back for another scan in a week or two. So right now, we are cautiously optimistic. I think I will remain cautious until we hit about 14-16 weeks just because of the low progesterone. I am SO glad I asked to get put on the supplements last week rather than waiting. They may have saved this pregnancy.

I am finding myself not being as cautious as I would like to though as I keep thinking about the future... where the baby will sleep, what we will need to buy, whether we will find out the gender beforehand (Brett votes yes but I vote no), how we will ever pick out names, what next summer will be like for the other two kids, etc. I am also anxious to tell people (other than the few that read this blog or that I've told in person) but don't want to get the word out and have people congratulating me on the big news as I am miscarrying. It's not that I mind people knowing, but I like to keep track of who I have told or how so that I don't have any of those awkward conversations in the event we get bad news in the upcoming weeks. For now, we will just wait and pray for the second trimester to arrive. Hopefully this extreme fatigue will let up around that time as well!