Heartbeat

What a nerve-wracking wait in the reception area at the doctor's office today. Although I tried to remain emotionless I was pretty stressed about what was about to happen. How do you prepare yourself for what will either be one of the happiest moments or one of the saddest moments of your adult life? I don't think you really can.

We finally got brought back and the tech said something to the effect of, "Well, let's see what kind of a start we have. Unfortunately you've been through this before." It wasn't sounding positive already. I did appreciate her honesty and her not getting our hopes up. She went ahead and got started and I immediately saw the amniotic fluid. She was zoomed out quite a bit so I couldn't tell if I could see a little white spot or not. Then when she zoomed in closer, I could tell there was definitely something there. She said she could see a flicker of a heartbeat. I was still in disbelief that we were getting positive news. I asked if it was a bad sign that the amniotic sac wasn't perfectly round. She said that didn't cause her any concern at all. She told us that the heart rate was low. It was 105 and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks, which is about what I expected. As I had suspected due to slight pressure on that side, the baby is on the left side (same as Myelle, but none of the other three pregnancies). She said that the doctors don't get too positive until they see a heart rate of at least 110 so I would need to come back for another scan in a week or two. So right now, we are cautiously optimistic. I think I will remain cautious until we hit about 14-16 weeks just because of the low progesterone. I am SO glad I asked to get put on the supplements last week rather than waiting. They may have saved this pregnancy.

I am finding myself not being as cautious as I would like to though as I keep thinking about the future... where the baby will sleep, what we will need to buy, whether we will find out the gender beforehand (Brett votes yes but I vote no), how we will ever pick out names, what next summer will be like for the other two kids, etc. I am also anxious to tell people (other than the few that read this blog or that I've told in person) but don't want to get the word out and have people congratulating me on the big news as I am miscarrying. It's not that I mind people knowing, but I like to keep track of who I have told or how so that I don't have any of those awkward conversations in the event we get bad news in the upcoming weeks. For now, we will just wait and pray for the second trimester to arrive. Hopefully this extreme fatigue will let up around that time as well!