Feelings

This has been a bit of a trying time for me lately. I don't really even know how to describe it. I feel really stupid typing this but I guess I'm just unhappy. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. I have a husband I am in love with, the sweetest son ever, and a spirited little girl and I would not trade all that for anything. We are living comfortably and aren't normally terribly stressed out. Everyone is healthy, safe, and getting along. I do appreciate these things and feel blessed to be able to say I live such a great life. But right now, even though I should be, I'm just not happy... not the way I feel like I should be. I asked Brett what was wrong with me and then he asked if I was upset because I wasn't pregnant. My first reaction was, "no." But after thinking and thinking about the way I feel (or don't feel), I think that may have something to do with it. Or maybe I'm just hoping there is a reason and this isn't just "how I am."

I don't want to say this because it feels like saying it is going to make it harder and harder to come true, but I want a baby. I feel stupid for saying this because we were so sure we didn't want to have another one after Myelle. But at the same time I was never willing to use any type of birth control in case that was what was meant to happen. Now that I have had two losses since then, I really really want a baby. Damn it, I should HAVE a little baby in my arms right now. Or if not in my arms, I should be getting a big round belly and growing that baby, feeling it kick, and wondering if it will be a girl or a boy. I know, if it's meant to happen it will happen. (I agree with this statement, but it doesn't make it any easier.) And I know, I should be at peace with that. But I'M NOT! I want a baby. I want to see Myelle get to be an adorable big (little) sister. She LOVES babies right now. She carries her doll around all the time, takes care of it, and sings to it; and she is so proud when she gets to help Grandma babysit and take care of babies. I thought it would be perfect if each of our kids were 2.5 years apart, like clockwork. But they won't be. I know that's asking a lot, but it's how it was going to happen before a tiny little heart stopped beating. And it's sad, and it sucks. I'm glad I have what I do and I'm glad our two kids are fairly close in age. Why do I have to want more than that? It's hard to see other people with multiple kids close together and know that's not how it will be for our family. I look at my friends' adorable babies but don't desire to hold them because I want one of my own. I feel my heart drop each time I see a pregnancy announcement from the mom of a toddler. What if we can't have any more kids after we have come to the agreement that it would be fun to have a big family? Why do I have to be jealous? I know it's not good to be jealous but how can you change how you feel? I can tell myself I'm not jealous but it's a lie. It's not that I think bad about or wish anything negative upon people who have these things, it's just hard knowing that I don't. I am genuinely happy for them but sometimes it's hard to not be sad for myself at the same time. I'm sure it makes people feel guilty or uncomfortable but it is what it is... just like if it's meant to happen it will happen.