Pregnant Again

This has been a roller coaster of a week for me. Over the weekend we made a trip to Topeka for a birthday party and while we were there we did some shopping. I grabbed a pair of pregnancy tests at Target, thinking that if my period didn't come over the weekend I better take one. Monday morning I took it and there was a positive line the second the pee hit the stick. I was surprised that it was positive, and shocked that it was such a bold line and showed up so fast. I have never had such a clear result before. So here we are, our 5th pregnancy.

Prior to taking this test, we had sort of assumed that our last pregnancy/miscarriage was just a fluke since we had to do so many fertility treatments to get pregnant with Myelle. We knew it could happen, but weren't really counting on it. When we found out, we were freaking out a little because three kids is a lot different than two. We were thinking about how we would be outnumbered by kids, that they would have to share rooms, how we would all fit in the car, etc. But we were also excited about this unexpected surprise and the fact that we really are able to accomplish something we thought to be impossible - getting pregnant without "trying." We started thinking about how even though it will be hard now, when we are older we will be glad that our family expanded and we welcomed more children than we had planned on having.

My last period was on July 10th, and I am pretty sure I ovulated around August 1st. So as of Monday I would have been 6 weeks 4 days or 5 weeks 3 days depending on which date you go from. I went in for labs Monday afternoon and I got my HCG level back later in the day. The numbers were great, well over 6,000. It was at 9,047 which was high enough that I wouldn't have to get labs drawn again before the ultrasound. As we waited for progesterone levels to come back, we started thinking that this was a "good" pregnancy since the beta was so high and that we would likely be having a baby in 8 months. 

Unfortunately, when I finally got a call about the progesterone results, I found out they were very low. I believe the number was 8.9. From what I've read, anything less than 5 is almost a guaranteed miscarriage, anything less than 10 gives a very small (less than 10%) chance of survival, 14 and above is okay but not great, and the ideal would be well over 20. So we are looking at slim chances of having a healthy pregnancy. The nurse I spoke with said that we would just wait and see what the sonogram shows (which is in a week) and then take progesterone supplements if necessary. I was appalled that we would wait until then and told her that I have been put on progesterone with my past pregnancies. She mentioned that if it was a miscarriage it would prolong the inevitable, but she spoke with the doctor and he wrote me a ($200) prescription. So I started that on Wednesday evening. I still think our chances are slim but I thought it would be best to start the progesterone right away in case there was a chance to save the pregnancy. I think the doctor was probably thinking this pregnancy is over and let's not prolong it. He may be right, but I want to do everything I can for this little one.

So now we wait. My appointment is a week from yesterday. We will do an ultrasound and find out whether the baby is alive or dead. It's going to be a rough morning for me. This whole ordeal is pretty emotionally draining, and the hormones do not help. I can tell the progesterone is making me even more emotional. Miscarriages are hard. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have multiple in a row when you are actually trying to get pregnant. We were indifferent to having more kids, and it is still awful to think of letting go of a baby you made and will never get to hold in your arms or whisper in their tiny ear how much you love them. Even if we have a good ultrasound next week, we are not out of the woods. A lot of times the progesterone is low because something is wrong with the baby's chromosomes. If that's the case, I will still eventually miscarry (probably around 10-14 weeks). On the other hand, if it is just that my body was not producing enough progesterone and we started supplements early enough, we could end up with a healthy baby in April as long as this sonogram comes back normal. Either way, it's a waiting game. And not a fun one. 

I am trying my best to give it up to God. Leave it in His hands. I know our children are on loan from Him. I know if they never take a breath on Earth, they will be in an even better place waiting for the rest of us. It's just so hard to let go. Something tells me that our baby went to Jesus this morning, but something else tells me to hold onto that glimmer of hope that remains.