Excitement

What an exciting week it's been for us. We had a doctor appointment on Wednesday (the 8th) and heard the heartbeat again. The doctor says we're in the clear and headed for a full term pregnancy. What a relief! Brett and I both felt like it was "right" this time so it was great to truly be able to get excited without so much hesitation. It took a little bit to get used to the idea of another baby, but we are 100% on board and so thankful for this gift. Now we just pray for a healthy (and ideally HAPPY baby) come September... six months to go.

Since the sonogram measured so close to the date estimated by my last period, they are using September 23rd as the official due date. Since I will have to have a C section (due to having them before), they will take the baby one week early. Unfortunately, this falls on September 15th which can be a pretty harsh tax deadline. I'm hoping they will let us wait until that Monday, September 18th so that I won't be a stressed out mom on this little one's birthday every year. We'll have to switch doctors over the summer since ours is sadly retiring, so that is a conversation for later.

Speaking of our doctor, this one has been completely different than what we're used to but in such a good way. He's what I would consider "old school" and he's very forward and blunt. I've heard he has horrible bedside manner and I get it, but we LOVE him. We have thick skin and living in a tiny town kind of gets you used to old people stating their opinions, wanted or not. It's pretty entertaining actually. He told us about two deliveries he did this week - a vaginal birth and a c section on women that were 300-400 pounds. Yikes! It came up when he asked me how much weight I usually gain during pregnancy. But the real reason we love him is that there is virtually no stress involved. I'd had a check up back in December and asked our chances of having more kids, just to put my mind at ease and move forward. He was pretty direct and said that absent doing some sort of fertility treatment, our chances were pretty low. Apparently I was holding onto some subconscious stress about that because less than a month later I was pregnant. Then after I got pregnant, I expected them to run labs right away and check my progesterone, etc. Nope. Nothing. Just come in for a sonogram next week. Again, this was a huge relief. Nothing we had done in the past had stopped an inevitable miscarriage and just made me feel worse so I happily went about my business without added stress of knowing my numbers were off. I think it was just the right timing, but not having that added stress couldn't hurt. This baby is healthy and thriving as far as we can tell.

The best part of the week was telling the kids and hearing all of their questions and discussions about the baby. They were pretty excited and have lots of questions. It seems like a long time before the baby will come for them. Both of them worry about what I eat, asking if it's okay for the baby. It's so adorable and they are going to be such great siblings to this little one. Kyler gave me a hug today and then cupped his hands on my stomach to give the baby a hug too. He just melts my heart. Of course he wants a brother and Myelle wants a sister but most of all we just want a healthy baby. We've also started telling our families and the kids apparently told some of their friends at school yesterday, so the word will be getting out. Everyone so far has been just as shocked as we are - we thought we ere done with this part of our lives but are so blessed to be able to experience it once again.

The biggest disagreement at this point is whether we find out gender or wait until the baby is born. Brett is adamant about finding out and claims he can keep it a secret if only he knows. I am skeptical and although I really want a surprise in the operating room, I think if he gets his way to find out before, we will do a gender reveal party and find out what it is the same time as everyone else. To be determined...

1st Sonogram

We had a sonogram today to find out what's going on in there. We were excited and nervous to find out if there would be a heartbeat. When the wand went in, we could immediately see a big ol' baby on the screen with the heartbeat just flickering away. Thank goodness we are past that 7 week mark. The heartbeat was strong at 179 beats per minute. The baby measured 8 weeks, 5 days which is great since based on dates it should be right at 9 weeks. We have good thoughts about this one, so let's hope and pray everything continues to go well. The next appointment is March 8th with the doctor. He should be able to get a heartbeat with the doppler so we will know whether the baby is still hanging in there. Based on how horrible I'm feeling, I'm pretty sure things are going well. This is the worst "morning" sickness of any of my pregnancies and I am constantly exhausted. Poor Brett is having to pick up the slack as I spend most of my free time (and time I should be working) in bed. Myelle is constantly asking if I'm going to throw up. The kids are worried but we're hesitant to tell them anything until we get past the first trimester. Plus they'll blab to everyone else. We may have to spill our secret to a few people in the next couple of weeks for various reasons, but we will probably wait closer to 16 weeks to really announce it. I can't wait!

Having another little one is making us think some things through. First is the trip we booked to Mexico at the end of June. I think I'll be somewhere around 27 weeks pregnant then. Unfortunately, with the Zika virus going around, we are probably going to have to cancel. We've paid for flights and put a deposit down on our rooms and we're not optimistic we will be able to get anything back for cancelling. It would be really nice to have a baby-moon at an all-inclusive resort but probably shouldn't risk it. We will check with the doctor before we cancel anything. The other thing that keeps coming up is our vehicle situation. The Highlander technically would fit everyone, but we would have to use the third row seats for one or both of the big kids. That leaves us with very little room for luggage and "stuff" after the dog is loaded up. I really don't want to fork out a bunch more money for a bigger vehicle, mostly because I want our upstairs to be done before the baby comes. I also keep thinking about where this baby will bunk up. At the beginning I think we'll just put a small crib in our room - something we haven't done in the past (besides Kyler's first two weeks). I really want to keep gender a surprise again so we will have to figure out bedroom arrangements after the baby comes. Depending on gender, one of the kids will have a new roommate eventually. Myelle's room seems bigger so if it's a boy they may have to swap rooms. Names are another thing I keep thinking about. I really don't want to think about it at all though, so if that continues this poor kid may not have a name for a few days until they are wanting to kick us out of the hospital. Hopefully something clicks and makes it easy on us!

6th Pregnancy

I know a lot of people close to us will think we are crazy. In fact the definition of insane fits pretty well here. But it's happened again. I have felt like absolute crap the past week or two and decided that I was going to take a pregnancy test before I go to the doctor. Well, Brett got me a pregnancy test at Dollar General for Valentine's Day and I had to run to the front door and call him back in because it was positive. We both had smiles on our faces and were pretty much terrified inside for one reason or another. A baby is scary in its own way but another miscarriage is obviously on our minds as well.

It's so dumb of me to get excited but I felt really good about this one. I'm having horrible morning (all day) sickness, am super tired, and the test was positive right away. Brett has been a lot more cautious although he was even asking already what we would all have to go out and buy again.

I find that I want as little information as possible this time around. I don't really care to know what the labs say, how low my progesterone is, etc. I am looking forward to the sonogram where I'm hopeful we will see a strong heartbeat and healthy baby moving around. Based on my last period, I'm 8 weeks along but I'm guessing the measurements will be a little less than that just due to my irregularity.

One thing that is definitely different than my two successful pregnancies is that peanut butter is NOT a craving. I can barely stand to think about the smell, let alone eat it.

Afraid

After having multiple miscarriages, I now find the thought of possibly being pregnant terrifying. Honestly, the best months are the ones where my period starts before I have time to even think of what the alternative could be. This month is not that way. My cycles are often irregular and long so I really have no reason at this point to be concerned. But I am. Especially now that I asked Brett if it would stress him out if I found out I was pregnant and he looked up beaming at the idea and gave me a fist pump and a "yes" when I told him I haven't had my period in a while. What if I'm not pregnant? We have been "not preventing" since the first of the year after the previous miscarriage.

Feelings

This has been a bit of a trying time for me lately. I don't really even know how to describe it. I feel really stupid typing this but I guess I'm just unhappy. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. I have a husband I am in love with, the sweetest son ever, and a spirited little girl and I would not trade all that for anything. We are living comfortably and aren't normally terribly stressed out. Everyone is healthy, safe, and getting along. I do appreciate these things and feel blessed to be able to say I live such a great life. But right now, even though I should be, I'm just not happy... not the way I feel like I should be. I asked Brett what was wrong with me and then he asked if I was upset because I wasn't pregnant. My first reaction was, "no." But after thinking and thinking about the way I feel (or don't feel), I think that may have something to do with it. Or maybe I'm just hoping there is a reason and this isn't just "how I am."

I don't want to say this because it feels like saying it is going to make it harder and harder to come true, but I want a baby. I feel stupid for saying this because we were so sure we didn't want to have another one after Myelle. But at the same time I was never willing to use any type of birth control in case that was what was meant to happen. Now that I have had two losses since then, I really really want a baby. Damn it, I should HAVE a little baby in my arms right now. Or if not in my arms, I should be getting a big round belly and growing that baby, feeling it kick, and wondering if it will be a girl or a boy. I know, if it's meant to happen it will happen. (I agree with this statement, but it doesn't make it any easier.) And I know, I should be at peace with that. But I'M NOT! I want a baby. I want to see Myelle get to be an adorable big (little) sister. She LOVES babies right now. She carries her doll around all the time, takes care of it, and sings to it; and she is so proud when she gets to help Grandma babysit and take care of babies. I thought it would be perfect if each of our kids were 2.5 years apart, like clockwork. But they won't be. I know that's asking a lot, but it's how it was going to happen before a tiny little heart stopped beating. And it's sad, and it sucks. I'm glad I have what I do and I'm glad our two kids are fairly close in age. Why do I have to want more than that? It's hard to see other people with multiple kids close together and know that's not how it will be for our family. I look at my friends' adorable babies but don't desire to hold them because I want one of my own. I feel my heart drop each time I see a pregnancy announcement from the mom of a toddler. What if we can't have any more kids after we have come to the agreement that it would be fun to have a big family? Why do I have to be jealous? I know it's not good to be jealous but how can you change how you feel? I can tell myself I'm not jealous but it's a lie. It's not that I think bad about or wish anything negative upon people who have these things, it's just hard knowing that I don't. I am genuinely happy for them but sometimes it's hard to not be sad for myself at the same time. I'm sure it makes people feel guilty or uncomfortable but it is what it is... just like if it's meant to happen it will happen.

More Trouble

I'm not sure how to start this post besides saying that this miscarriage did not end well. I had gone in to see the OB and we both agreed that I would miscarry naturally similar to the previous miscarriage. I knew about what to expect and things were already underway so off I went. I was to get my blood drawn every couple of weeks to make sure my hCG levels were going down to zero. I think after a couple of weeks I had stopped bleeding and my levels decreased from around 9047 to around 253 in mid-October and were down to 28 at the beginning of November. Each time the nurse called with my lab results, I told her that I had not passed any large tissue, or any tissue at all that I could tell. She talked to the doctor and said that was fine since my hCG levels continued to decrease. 

I was supposed to get another lab draw mid-November but around that time I felt that I had ovulated. So I decided to wait until after I got my period to get another hCG number, hoping that my period would sort of flush everything out and I would be at zero afterward. Sure enough, at the beginning November I had a pretty much normal period. We were happy that things seemed to be over and I was planning on going in with my lab orders on the 17th. Unfortunately, things changed on the night of the 16th and I ended up in the hospital but for a different reason.

At the start of the week and a little bit over the weekend, I was feeling fine physically but a little hormonal. I thought it was odd since my period had just ended but Brett was having some health scares so I just chalked it up to being highly anxious about that. Things started making sense Tuesday evening (the 17th). I suddenly started getting some cramping around 7:30 that night while sitting on the couch. By 8:00 when we typically put the kids to bed, I had to tap out and have Brett do it because I had started bleeding and passing a little tissue and the cramping was fairly uncomfortable. Since I hadn't passed a large piece of tissue, I knew that this was finally when my miscarriage would come to and end after almost three months.

This cramping and bleeding got pretty intense in a hurry and I spent the rest of the evening in and out of the bathroom and in quite a bit of discomfort. I took a couple ibuprofen but they didn't help at all. Brett had gone to bed and I was unable to lie down because of the cramping. From midnight to 2:00 I was in enough pain where I was mostly pacing the floor trying to get through it. I kept thinking that the next cramp would be the last one and I would pass that tissue that was causing me so much pain. All this time I was losing quite a bit of blood, probably enough to fill a pad every 30 minutes although it was hard to tell because I was on the toilet half the time. I finally had to wake Brett up (reluctantly since he was going through his own health scare at the time) at 2:00, worried that something was wrong. He had me call the OB office out of Topeka. When the doctor called back, she said to go to the ER if I was filling more than a pad an hour or feeling dizzy/lightheaded or my heart was racing. I wasn't having any of those symptoms so I decided to try to make it through the night and plan to go to Topeka for a D&C in the morning. I knew the ER in Seneca wouldn't be able to do a whole lot for me just because of some intense cramping and heavy bleeding. They would just send me to Topeka the next morning (since I am high-risk, they won't treat me). I had taken a pain pill from my c-section around 2:00 and it had kicked in by 3:00 so after we got off the phone with the on-call doctor I tried to go to bed to get a little rest.

I thought I had slept a while, but looking back I probably only got a few minutes. I woke up around 3:30 after a cramp and got up to go to the bathroom. By the time I turned the bathroom light on I was feeling extremely lightheaded. I had lost too much blood. I called for Brett and sat down on the toilet. He came right in and about the time he reached me, I passed out. I came back pretty quickly so he went to get some water. By the time he came back I was trying to get up and passed out cold. He had tried to lift me but I was dead weight so he couldn't. He went and called my mom to come over and just said he had to take me to the hospital. Then he came back to throw me over his shoulder and get me to the ER. I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and he was telling me I was foaming from the mouth. He helped me to the kitchen and as he was slipping on his shoes I felt myself starting to faint again. I told him we needed to go now and couldn't wait for my mom to get there. When we got to the garage, the frigid air kept me awake until we got to the hospital. They wheeled me in and started and IV. Slowly I started feeling better and after an hour or so (by around 5:30) the cramping and bleeding slowed down.

We were able to leave at 7:00 and were told to come back at 8:00 for a sonogram so they could see what was still there. Sure enough, there was a large round mass of tissue in my left uterus. The right looked empty and I assume the period I had was from that side. We went back home and waited for a call from Topeka on what time to come for the D&C. They called around 9:30 or 10:00 and told us to head right down and be there by around 11:30. We waited for quite a while at the surgery center waiting for them to squeeze us in. The whole day I was very out of it and extremely tired. If my head could rest on something I was able to halfway fall asleep. The doctor told Brett he took out tissue the size of a ping pong ball. I was under anesthesia which did not help my lethargy in the upcoming days. I was sent home with a $270 prescription that Brett believes was supposed to make sure the heavy bleeding didn't start back up. It worked. Ever since I have had some light bleeding and clotting but not a lot and minimal if any discomfort.

It was an emotional and exhausting couple of weeks for us. Brett calculated that I was up for 39 hours straight except for a couple very short naps. Myelle had a fever and cough the whole time and I ended up having to take her to the doctor the very next day after my D&C and she had an ear infection. As I mentioned, Brett was also having some health issues so we were worried and attending various doctors for him as well. Besides Myelle's birthday and Christmas it's not a December that I would like to remember.

The next question is where do we go from here? This was a very traumatic experience for Brett and as it was happening he was adamant that we not try again. I didn't blame him, I don't know how well I would have held it together knowing that my spouse could literally die in my arms from this (luckily it wasn't that severe and I didn't even need a blood transfusion, but when I was passing out we didn't know how bad it was). Now that things have calmed down we have decided that depending on what the doctor feels is safe, we would like to keep trying but we will be sure to have a D&C done right away if we miscarry again. Although realistically it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us, we have really embraced the idea of having a larger family. The fact that I have even been able to get pregnant without fertility treatment is amazing to us. It's unfortunate that these miscarriages seem to keep occurring. We hope that it's just "bad luck" as our OB says, but it does seem like more than that. So for now, we will talk it through with the doctor and determine the best path to walk down. After this crazy month, we have decided to hold off until we have an adult vacation in May to get some R&R and time for the two of us.

As Expected...

I am miscarrying. It's disappointing and frustrating but we're doing better than expected. We were pretty sure that's what was happening but still held onto a little hope. Having two days to process what was going on softened the blow to an extent.

Although we weren't totally prepared to be pregnant again, we were starting to embrace the idea. The timing seemed about right since the age gap between kids would have been the same as our other two. And we always hoped that if we did get pregnant again on our own it would be relatively soon and not years down the road where we would have to undergo another lifestyle change. We knew there would be more challenges too. Missing out on vacations and trips, having a more difficult time finding a sitter for our two plus an infant, fitting all of us and our stuff into our vehicles without having to buy something bigger (like a minivan - vomit!), and the fear of having another reflux baby like Myelle. We had thought about names since we had run out of ideas by now. And we contemplated bedroom arrangements when we brought the baby home - Kyler and Myelle would bunk up in Kyler's room until the baby was sleeping through the night. Depending on the gender, baby would then room with the sibling of the same sex. We wouldn't find out what we were having and we would borrow the baby stuff I had sold. So even with our guarded hearts, we were ready for another little one to join our family.

Unfortunately, that is not going to be happening. Not at this time anyway. The radiologist did not speak to us about anything she saw, but we have been though enough sonograms that we saw there was no heartbeat or movement. And that the baby was measuring 7 weeks, 3 days. It had apparently stopped growing right after our last appointment. Neither of us shed a tear. I guess we must have done a good job guarding our hearts. I am going to Topeka tomorrow afternoon to meet with the doctor. I am guessing he will suggest testing but at this point we are planning to miscarry naturally and forego testing this time around. One reason for this is that I am on a high deductible insurance plan so most of this (surgery and testing) would be paid for out of pocket. Plus, I'm not convinced we would find anything we didn't already know. My FHS levels were not great when we were trying to conceive Myelle. My guess is that my eggs are bad. Or maybe there is a chromosome issue. Or maybe a little of each depending on which of the three miscarriages you are looking at. Maybe if we have a fourth miscarriage when I am on a normal insurance plan or close to meeting my deductible we will do a little testing. It would be different if we were "trying" to add to our family. We are more than fine with what we've got, but at the same time we would be thrilled if we could win the baby jackpot one more time. I would love to have the chance enjoy the newborn stage one last time. With Myelle we were in survival mode just trying to get her through the reflux and discomfort.

Once we get through the actual miscarriage, we will have to decide if we are okay with this happening again. I think right now we are okay with it. Yes, it totally sucks to feel like crap for week after week, be on medicine that makes feeling like crap seem like a beach vacation, pay hundreds of dollars for such medicine, rearrange schedules for doctor appointments, and pay a bunch of medical bills all to get nothing out of it. That totally sucks. And that's not even mentioning the disappointment or the physical effects of the miscarriages. But my wise husband reminded me that it's a risk worth taking. All of that means nothing if we end up with another beautiful Brack baby in our arms. He said the same thing when I wanted to give up on fertility treatments with Myelle and he was so right. So, stay tuned. Hopefully one of these times we can have a real reason to be excited and not just the false hope of that wonderful heartbeat. I really hope it's the next time. I hate answering the "how many pregnancies have you had?" question with 5, and then following it up with "2 live births." I really don't want the first number to increase without the second one.

Not Looking Good

Things are not looking good anymore. I started bleeding yesterday. Not a ton but definitely more than just spotting. Some clots and cramps along with it. Of course it had to start on a Saturday. I will probably be going in for a sonogram on Monday. Not sure what the cause is but we are hoping it's coming from my right uterus. I'm not counting on it though. I also switched from an oral to vaginal progesterone and the dosage was a lot less so that is on my mind as a possible cause too. Bottom line is I'm pretty sure I am going to miscarry but still holding onto some hope. 

Going Great

The sonogram today went well. The heart rate had increased to 132 and the baby is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days. The official due date is April 27, 2015. Thanks for your prayers! We could still use more since the low progesterone may or may not be a bad sign, but so far everything is looking great.

Heartbeat

What a nerve-wracking wait in the reception area at the doctor's office today. Although I tried to remain emotionless I was pretty stressed about what was about to happen. How do you prepare yourself for what will either be one of the happiest moments or one of the saddest moments of your adult life? I don't think you really can.

We finally got brought back and the tech said something to the effect of, "Well, let's see what kind of a start we have. Unfortunately you've been through this before." It wasn't sounding positive already. I did appreciate her honesty and her not getting our hopes up. She went ahead and got started and I immediately saw the amniotic fluid. She was zoomed out quite a bit so I couldn't tell if I could see a little white spot or not. Then when she zoomed in closer, I could tell there was definitely something there. She said she could see a flicker of a heartbeat. I was still in disbelief that we were getting positive news. I asked if it was a bad sign that the amniotic sac wasn't perfectly round. She said that didn't cause her any concern at all. She told us that the heart rate was low. It was 105 and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks, which is about what I expected. As I had suspected due to slight pressure on that side, the baby is on the left side (same as Myelle, but none of the other three pregnancies). She said that the doctors don't get too positive until they see a heart rate of at least 110 so I would need to come back for another scan in a week or two. So right now, we are cautiously optimistic. I think I will remain cautious until we hit about 14-16 weeks just because of the low progesterone. I am SO glad I asked to get put on the supplements last week rather than waiting. They may have saved this pregnancy.

I am finding myself not being as cautious as I would like to though as I keep thinking about the future... where the baby will sleep, what we will need to buy, whether we will find out the gender beforehand (Brett votes yes but I vote no), how we will ever pick out names, what next summer will be like for the other two kids, etc. I am also anxious to tell people (other than the few that read this blog or that I've told in person) but don't want to get the word out and have people congratulating me on the big news as I am miscarrying. It's not that I mind people knowing, but I like to keep track of who I have told or how so that I don't have any of those awkward conversations in the event we get bad news in the upcoming weeks. For now, we will just wait and pray for the second trimester to arrive. Hopefully this extreme fatigue will let up around that time as well!